Whole Paychecks

I work in the Peoples Republic of Cambridge, MA which often makes me a bit of a fish out of water as a 50-something, right wing leaning libertarian type trying to exist in the most liberal three square miles on the planet.  Needless to say 99 out of every 100 bumper stickers I see escalate my already high blood pressure.

Cambridge, of course, has multiple Whole Foods stores which were created in part to appeal to its type of local citizenry.  Let’s lovingly call these folks “richie-rich tree huggers”.  And if you want to celebrate diversity forget about that field trip to the United Nations -- just drop into your local Whole Foods Market the next time you are in the neighborhood.

Anyway, I’m “fortunate” to work right next to one of these stores, and without many other healthy options for food nearby when I'm trying to behave myself I occasionally suck it up and venture into the land of the loonies to grab a quick lunch before trying to escape with my sanity.

So even though nobody asked here are My Top 10 gripes about Whole Foods…

1)      There are more hippy types working there than if I revved up the flux capacitor and went back to the psychedelic 60’s.

2)      Those mini-tables at the front of every other aisle with pathetic I-feel-sorry-for-them employees trying to get me to sample some new health food I wouldn’t eat if it were covered with chocolate sauce and came with an ice cream chaser.

3)      People paying for 99 cent granola bars with a debit card.  Come on kids, is it too hard to carry a buck?

4)      Nitwits who use shopping carts to buy three items and then after stashing their their precious nutmeg yogurt, tofu hot dogs, and asian bean sprouts in the virtually empty cart proceed to aimlessly clog up the food bar aisle by slowly sifting through the cooked carrots and american chop suey as if they are the only person on the planet.  Hello?

5)      Zombie aging shoppers who look like they haven’t eaten a carb since the Eisenhauer administration agonizingly perusing the admittedly impressive fruit selection in an orgasmic trance as if they were a liberal at an Al Gore global warming speech.

6)      Taking a small container, trying to eat “light” for lunch and the bill still comes to $12.83.  We don’t refer to this store around our office as “Whole Paychecks” for nothing.

7)      Coke, Pepsi?  “I’m sorry, we don’t carry those, but we do have diet avocado juice.”  Commies.

8)      Just what is garlic bread soup and why it is deserving of a spot next to the old reliables clam chowder and mom’s chicken soup?

9)      Putting the triple chocolate fudge brownies and the double sized chocolate chip cookies right NEXT to the salad bar.  Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

10)   No, I don’t want my receipt unless being price gauged at lunch is tax deductible on my Federal Form 1040.